I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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