saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
