We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
