I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
