It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
