yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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