That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
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I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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