I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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