no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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