what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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