did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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