I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
