Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
