the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
