don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
