Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
