I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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