I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
