I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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