just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
