There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
