Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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