there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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