my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
