Soap is not a condiment
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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