I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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