I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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