Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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