Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
