Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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