1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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