I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
