The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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