my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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