summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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