i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
