So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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