So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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