Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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