cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
