I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
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For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i now understand why vodka
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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