yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
