I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
