Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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