I got chris browned last night
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
