he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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