There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
