Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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