My liver just broke up with me...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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