You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
