I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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