at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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