he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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