they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
