you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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